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The Zero Room
Candidate 3: Martin McClure
Gatekeeper: Colin Brockley
Costume
The black Polo mint ensemble displayed by Dodo in Celestial Toymaker. Shame Cyril didn't take the hint and eat her...
Not on a kiddies show... As a precurdor to the Kandyman, Dodo was way ahead of her time. About twenty minutes would have done, actually, puttin gher in the middle of Juke Box Jury and out of our blessed sight. In she goes.
Monster
The bubble-wrapped Noah creature from Ark in Space. The reason Doctor Who is still laughed at by sad Star Trek fans today. Don't tell me the effects budget was eaten up by the Robot tank!
If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing adequately. Unless you were working for the BBC circa 1975, apparently. Unfortunately this still cannot enter, as i) I have to arbitrarily reject something for no adequately explained reason and ii) aware of its deficiencies, the director ensured that shots of the bubble wrap were as brief as possible, sparing ridicule ffrom all but the most attentive viewers. Star Trek fans, for instance...
Setting
Delta and the Bannermen's
toll booth. Cheesy set, cheesy comedian, cheesy story. Oh yes, and it was a crap idea.Yes, but so in keeping with the spirit of the season. No, this was one of the few things in S24 to actually make me laugh on first viewing (most of the rest does improve with time, believe me), so it survives.
Actor
David Schwimmer. OK, he wasnt actually in Doctor Who at any time, but what the hell, I just hate that guy!
Unarguable, really, so do I. After all, with Schwimmer condemned to an eternity in limbo, we would all still have a chance of getting Rachel Green. Begone, annoying one!
Effect
Jon Pertwees nose. Well, dont try telling me it was real!
Well of course not, but you have to look quite closely to tell at times. Just the little giveaways, like Concorde taking off from the left nostril. No, the nose was needed, and must be celebrated, not consigned away.
Cliffhanger
Dalek Invasion of Earth 1. The first in a truly crass series of cliffhangers for stories with Dalek in the title, which nevertheless spend their entire first episode building up to the dramatic revelation of - a Dalek!
Stupidity beyond the call of duty, absolutely. If only they had called the story 'Plob's Revenge' and kept shtumm. Of course they would then lose the massive publicity generated by a Dalek story, but that's really no excuse for such sheer silliness. Into the Zero room with it.
Miscellany
Gary!!!
Hmm, a mystery. Gary Russell? Gary Gillatt? Gary Downie? Surely not our own ex-founder Gary Cookson? Im sure that just about everyone could find at least one candidate from that list deserving of a place, so for the good of the many, the few must be sacrificed, and all Garys swept from this plane of existance into the Zero Room. Sorry, guys, you know who to blame...
In summary, then, Martin, you have rid us of Dodo, David Schwimmer (yay!), Dalek cliffhangers and every Gary in existence. Keeping you company in the taxi home is some menacing bubble wrap, a Toll Booth and Jon Pertwees nose. No, I dont know how you're going to fit that in, that is most definitely your problem. Goodnight!
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