|
|
The Zero Room
Candidate 2: Maria Sutton
Gatekeeper: Colin Brockley
Setting
It's got to be the Master's hideout in Timeflight. It looks like a candidate for rectal surgery. Somebody must have had a nasty case of piles and wanted revenge on the world to come up with that one.
It's difficult to imagine any aspect of TIMEFLIGHT not going in, though I'm kind of fond of the tackiness of that setting. Fair enough, though, it was crap and it's in. Next!
Costume
The glittery catsuit worn by Zoe. It left nothing to the imagination (down, boys!) and as for going to the lavatory, you think Superman has problems... anyone who's seen the Kenny Everett Spiderman sketch will know what I mean...
...but it was spangly, and it was ever so Sixties. It may not have been the most practical of garments, but if nothing else saves it, the effect of the 'clinging to the TARDIS' scene in The Mind Robber on the hearts and er... other organs of the nation's massed male youth ensures that Zoe keeps her catsuit safely on (shame...)
Music
Any organ type music from the Pertwee era. OK, for the 70s it was quite normal, but really it sounds like the Phantom of the Opera on Syndol!
And if you mean the Lloyd-Webber version, then Syndol in copious quantities I hope. The music fits the naffness of the era so well, though, that I can't send it to oblivion in isolation, so here it stays, in all its terrible glory. Listen upon its misery and repent!
Monster
My first reaction is the Myrka, but thats already in, so it has to be the dinosaurs from Invasion of the Dinosaurs. They look like those cheap plastic toys that you were bought by the Auntie you didnt see much of... If Spielberg watches this, he should really start worrying!
For me, Season Eleven IS the Zero Room. Crap Doctor, crap companion, crap writers, crap directors... oh, yes, and really, REALLY crap special effects. Of course the plastic prehistoric people eaters go in. Can we quietly dump the rest of the year at the same time?
Actor
Now some people would think that I would put a certain 5th Doctor in here, but my faith in Davison restored, it has to be Matthew Waterhouse. In true Lalla Ward style, I never liked him. He should never have been let out of the swamp, and whoever put a laughter track over his death sequence deserves a medal.
Well Steve had resisted the temptation, but it couldn't have been long before the annoying juvenile one was brought before the justice of The Gatekeeper. I dont know, though, yes he was bloody awful most of the time, but I liked him in Warrior's Gate, and I cannot in all conscience allow the greatest story in Who to be deprived of one of its leads. I hate myself for it, but the little twit stays out.
Book
Any of the BBC New Adventures with 'Daleks' in the title. They are atrocious; a scar on what I think is a Damned Good Series
.John Peel has a Dalek obsession. He has been writing about Daleks for almost 20 years without any discernible talent, yet he still gets commissioned to write more books about Daleks. What hold does he have over everyone in the publishing industry? Is it a case of blackmail, or is he in fact independently wealthy, and paying the BBC vast amounts of hard cash to publish these travesties? In, dammit, in and throw away the key.
Miscellany
Everybody who stereotypes Doctor Who fans as anoraks. We are normal people who have jobs and most importantly lives. OK, some people know who played the third Dalek on the left on the second row in any episode, but that doesnt mean we dissect every minute of the series and take notes. And a special message for a certain P. McGann: "Come and see us any day and by the time we're finished with you, it'll be more than your flesh that will crawl!"
To almost quote an esteemed fanzine editor from last year (modesty forbids me naming the genius): 'How many of these so-called bastions of normality spend their Saturday afternoons paying a small fortune to get into say, Old Trafford, with shirts that claim the wearer is in fact David Beckham?' Nuke the intolerant buggers.
So, Maria, at the end of this particular half-hour you have successfully added The Master's hideout, the Dinosaurs, Dalek novels and most of the population of Britain to the fetid chambers of The Zero Room. You take home with you Adric, Pertwee's organ (music) and Zoe's catsuit. Can we see it being modelled, please? Thank you. Omigod, no, no, I didn't mean on Adric... and please turn that music off, I suddenly feel quite nauseous...
Last Candidate: Steve Woolfall
Next Candidate: Martin McClureBack to 
Home Page
