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The Zero Room
Candidate 1: Steve Woolfall
Gatekeeper: Colin Brockley
Companion
I've been very good and not picked Adric. No. My vote goes to Fitz. A little unfair perhaps as he is totally 2-D and we've never seen him in the flesh, but tough. He's uninteresting, stereotyped and boring. Besides, three's a crowd so the sooner he goes, the better!
Yes, but it's not him going, is it? Oh dear, the very first choice of the very first candidate, and I cant honestly offer an opinion as I don't read the EDAs. I suppose on reflection, that as a manifestation of the BBC, and thus the result of the grossly unfair purloining of the series from the far better Virgin, I should allow Fitz in, but attatched to a gossamer thread so that he at least may entertain hopes of escape when I get round to reading his stories.
Monster
I'd like to dump those '80's monsters that came back as a pale imitation of themselves. First up are the Silurians and Sea Devils from Warriors of the Deep. Did nobody watch the third Doctor's encounters with once noble races as part of their research? Secondly, poor old Omega, imprisoned in Amsterdam and not a sniff of the Red Light District! Thirdly, the Sontaran basketball team that took on the two Doctors. Had Irongron stretched them on the rack? Finally, it has to be the Cybermen in Silver Nemesis. This was the final nail in their Cyber-coffin, reducing those eerie, oh so real monsters of Tenth Planet to mere arrow fodder. Rest in pieces.
All three examples are indeed travesties of the originals. Is it a coincidence, I wonder, that their return stories are also some of the worst of the Eighties? (Well, Arc had its moments but as with most of Season 20 was one episode too long.) Yes, in with them and nail the door shut. Rust in pieces?
Setting
It has to be the pukey pizza decor of the inside of Axos. I can only assume that the set designer either had a very sick sense of humour or was totally colour blind. It gets a triple YUK!!! every time.
Hmm, I rather subscribe to the theory that Season 8 looks much better in Black & White. While the previous year had seen an air of (comparitively) gritty realism to welcome in the Colour age, S8 seemed to positively revel in the new freedom, Terror and Claws especially glorying in displaying as many vivid colour clashes as possible. No, I'm not going to let the Axos dicor in. It may have been alarming, but no more so than Jo's costume, and it at least served to allow viewers to check that their sets were properly aligned...
Actor
He's out on video and I hope he's embarrassed as hell. Good old Dickey Briers as Chief Caretaker/Kroagnon in THE OTT performance of the entire 26 seasons (rest in peace Zaroff and Soldeed). Shakespeare it isn't and he's not even funny - constipated perhaps, but definitely not funny!
And what would Felicity have said? Yes, no question: I actually quite like Paradise Towers, and Clive Merrison's Deputy Caretaker was played within the bonds of reason (read: wouldn't have looked out of place in the glorious Season 17.) Briers though goes beyond the fine English tradition of overacting and into that area that can only be called Bloody Atrocious Acting. In.
Special Effect
No competition for this one - the worst regeneration scene ever from Dr six to seven. No excuses allowed that Baker wouldn't do it; it's McCoy in a wig and it's CRAP!!!
Oh dear, I do wish you hadn't reminded me of that. Is it fair, though, to pick out one moment from a story plagued throughout with ineptitude in all departments? Well, erm, yes. Goodbye.
Music
Anything by Keff McCulloch! I wish somebody would shove his drum machine up a certain part of his anatomy and tell him how's that for musical diarrhoea ...
His nose?!? No, Keff could be a teensy bit OTT at times, but on the whole I quite liked his work, especially Paradise Towers and Remembrance.Granted, he's no Mark Ayres, but he delivered a large workload in a limited time, and there are plenty who have produced worse under less pressure. Keff stays.
Cliffhanger
For sheer non-interest and huge lack of tension it has to be the brick wall at the end of The Visitation 1. Mind you, the brick wall could act McCoy off the screen any day!
Oh, Steve, Azaxyr and Dburns will love you forever for that little dig. For Matthew Waterhouse, though, it was obviously like looking in a mirror... Visitation 1's 'hanger was certainly not the most chilling ever (Ark in Space 1 scared the willies out of me, watching the edited video ruins the whole story now) but it was inoffensive enough, one might almost say a welcome change of pace. I can't let it in, I'm afraid.
Book
Sky Pirates! which should be made to eternally walk the plank. Whatever Dave Stone(d) is on they should triple the dose and put us out of his misery!
I remember when Sky Pirates! Waas first released, it caused a massive split in the Cheshire & Wirral Local Group. Steve and Gary (Cookson, our founder and erstwhile Man Utd fan and Tory (cue great hissing on both accounts)) hated it, the rest of us loved it. It's one of only two NAs I have read more than twice, and I still dip into occasionally for a quick giggle. Sorry, Steve, but this particular pretend-move-thing monkey-type-hominid would never let the erstwhile Mr Stone into the Zero Room: god alone knows what hed get up to down there unchecked
Audio
This was a difficult category. I actually listened to all the current releases unsure of which to pick. However, one story stood out above all others. Yes, 'The Ghosts of N Space'. It's just pants!!
Tricky. On grounds of taste and quality, I could find nothing to disagree with in this insightful and concise summary. However, it was at least an attempt to keep the good Doctor alive on the BBC, however misguided the choice of writer and actors, and, at he end of the day, surely that is what oh, bollocks! It's crap, it's going in.
Miscellaneous
I'm going to be a little off the wall here and nominate the BBC for their bizarre choices of video releases. The wonderful Season 15 has been overlooked for far too long while we get promises of remastered stories in a box for a load of money. They can have a last minute reprieve if they do actually cancel The Beginning box set, otherwise it's down the pan with the lot of you!
Well, The Beginning was indeed cancelled, at least temporarily, so I take it the request is duly withdrawn. A shame, really, as I would certainly have agreed with it, if only for the lack of the divine Horns of Nimon and The Gunfighters on the shelves. Still, a condition is final, so the BBC stays out of the Zero Room. For now, at least...
So, at the end of our first bout of bile, Steve, you have successfully consigned Fitz, Eighties returning monsters, Richard Briers, the sixth regeneration sequence and The Ghosts Of N-Space to oblivion in the Zero Room. You take home with you Axos' interior decor, Keff McCullogh's music, The Visitation's brick wall, Sky Pirates! and, er, the BBC, apparently. Five out of ten, a nice fair draw. Right, next victim please...
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