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The Zero Room
Candidate 6: John Wilson
Gatekeeper: Colin Brockley
Costume
Any worn by fans at conventions. They make us all look like sad gits, especially when they walk around town like that! They never look anything like who they are meant to be anyway, and some people even dress their kids up as the Master etcetera. Why can't they just wear a dalek t-shirt or something?
Oh dear, sad fan alert... mind you, you have to admire their courage. If it is true, as DWM says, that no-one ever got a shag from demonstrating a knowledge of the semiotics underlying Kinda, it is equally true that many have been the subject of physical violence for dressing up as a Sea Devil in public. And quite rightly. In they go.
Actor
Sophie Aldred. More specifically, her Sylvester McCoy impression on the Short Trips tape. She sounds like Carol Smillie, no wonder she hid under the sofa when I lent my copy to the AV team at Panopticon 98. They played it while she was doing a panel with Sylv, he threw the sofa cushions at her. Someone tell her not to do any conventions in Scotland...
Hmm, well sounding like the vomitous Smillie would certainly be grounds for Zero Room-dumping, but THIS IS SOPHIE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. what would we do at conventions without those wondrously tight leather trousers Ms Aldred is in the habit of wearing? No, I'll play my joker to keep Sophie this side of the dimensional boundary.
Companion
Samantha Jones. She is so bloody wet, has no personality at all, and the EDA writers keep pissing us off by pretending to kill her but never permanently. her crush on the Doctor is irritating, why doesn't she take a leaf out of Benny's book and just jump him? Her leaving is disappointing too, XXX XXXX XXXXXX XX XXXX XXXX XXXXXXXXXX XXXXX (spoiler deleted to avoid the wrath of Dangermouse: Ed.)
I've not read a lot of the EDAs, an dthose I have seem to have quite a decent Sam in them. Then again I've only read the OrmanBlums and Miles works, so know Dark Sam better than Blondie. Maybe if we throw Miss Self-righteous into the Zero Room, we'll get the junkie back for good. It's got to be worth a go...
Story
The War Games. And its countless Dicks-penned sequals. At 10 episodes this story is already far too long, so why does Tewwance keep revisiting it? He's done it three times so far, in Exodus, The Eight Doctors and Players: can't he think of any new ideas?
But the ground breaking feature of these stories for Uncle Tel is their lack of gween monsters. He could write a whole, double-length story with no gween monsters whatsoever. Of course he would have to do it again. And again. And again.Nah, if we threw away all DW stories that either spawned or contained self-plagiarism we would have to lose half the series. And we can't lose War Games 10, or we couldn't have the Pertwee era. Hang on, what am I saying? Is it too late to condemn it now? Yes? Oh, bugger. At least DBurns will be happy I suppose...
Miscellany
BBC Video. They can never decide on their release schedule for two weeks running! First Invasion of the Dinosaurs gets cancelled when they realise episode 1 is B/W, then they replace The Beginning box set with a Dalek set including Planet 3 in B/W! The re-releases we might actually want to buy get delayed or cancelled, and then Tenth Planet gets the go-ahead despite already having been cancelled once when people complained. Also the packaging is crap, look at the Crusade and Ice Warriors sets: The Crusade box is a pain to open and the other so flimsy it got tatty in no time, while there is not even a proper case for the CD. And The Crusade set is a bit of a rip-off: twenty quid for one tape, a CD and a few postcards. and if they can fit The Two Doctors and other 6-parters on one tape, why not the others? And they are starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel, I mean Time-flight is out next year! Oh and why did it take them three gos to get round to releasing The Green Death?
Whoah, steady on there, did we hit a nerve? Alright, there are four seperate issues in there. Rescheduling: yeah, it sucks, but Hey! - that's marketing. The Ice Warriors packaging was indeed appalling, but I think they learned the lesson in producing to my mind excellent packaging for this year's Hartnell set. As to price, I got mine for £10.58 from Yalplay... The two-tape 6-parters are bad, but the explanation is that people seem to prefer paying seventeen quid for a double pack than fifteen quid for a 6-parter on one tape, which is the alternative. The release schedule will inevitably get less spectacular as the good stories can only be released once (OK they can be re-released but you know what I mean), although there are still gems out there: The Gunfighters and The Horns of Nimon to name but two. Having demolished your arguments, I can I am afraid do naught but throw BBCV into the Zero Room - so they have answers to the criticisms, they're still bloody crap!
So, John, at the end of the show you have successfully added Sam Jones, Costumed wierdos and BBC Video to the denizens of The Zero Room. You take home with you Tewwance Dicks and Sophie Aldred. Hey, now there's a pairing worthy of your 'Sick list' postings...
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